From Survival Self to Chosen Self: The Identity Shift That Changes Everything with Fareda Barlas

Written By Farya Barlas

  • From Survival Self to Chosen Self: The Identity Shift That Changes Everything with Fareda Barlas

    Farya: Hello and welcome back to From Trauma to CEO.

    Today's guest is somebody whose work I've admired for a long time. Not just professionally, but on a very deep human level. She is a UKCP accredited, BACP registered integrative psychotherapist, whose work actually stretches way beyond traditional therapy. What she does is not simply talking or analysis; she works with layers of a person's identity. She works with their nervous system, their relational patterns, their history, and the truth that they've just been carrying for years. So you can understand that she is definitely my kind of person. Her therapeutic approach brings together the mind, body, and the deeper pattern that shape us, and she draws from psychodynamic, attachment theory, existential, and humanistic practice, somatic and body work as well, and she brings them all together, and she actually meets the whole person, not just the parts of them that is hurting. And one of the things that actually makes her work extraordinary is her belief that therapy is a living relationship. She doesn't really hide behind or sit behind just the professionalism. She brings her authentic self, her presence, her empathy, her integrity into the room, and she is the founder of Hadliwood Practice. She challenges when challenges are needed, trust me, I could speak for that for sure, and she holds when holding is needed. And most importantly, she walks with people into places that they have never gone alone.

    But I have to say what I love most about the heart of her work is that she helps people see their full potential. And she helps them understand the pattern that once protected them, but now is defining them. So, this is the introduction to her professional work. But today's episode is actually very special because it's actually with somebody who knows every version of me that the world doesn't. But most importantly, she's somebody whose journey has shaped her into one of the most grounded and extraordinary trauma therapists that I know. I watched her become the woman she is today, and I know her story behind it, that's why this is the perfect episode. And also I know the choices that she made, the breakdowns, the rebuilding, the becoming. So today, we're not just talking about trauma, we're talking about what it looks like to live through it, what it looks like to reinvent yourself, and what it looks like to become, not just the person that you are, but the person that is helping others live their full potential. And this is a very meaningful conversation that goes beyond anything I could say professionally, because this person is also my sister! So, we grew up shaped by seemingly the same stories, the same silences, the same expectations, and yet each of us found our own language and understanding to the human experience. And we get to bring these worlds together because somehow, without checking in with each other and without planning it, we both ended up in the world of trauma. So, welcome Fareda, her name is Fareda Barlas. I didn't even introduce her name because just because I know her, I assumed that you know who I am. Yes. So, welcome, genuinely really happy that you're here and I'm so excited that we are finally getting to do this, because I know we've been doing this all the time just for ourselves, but I think it's a different setting when we are actually talking about it in this particular platform. So, welcome.

    Fareda: Well, thank you so much and thank you for that generous introduction. Actually, I was busy thinking part of what you said wasn't quite true because actually, I didn't just end up in this place without checking in with you. I watched you in this space and I saw the difference you made to the world, to the people you worked with, and I built myself up towards that. So I think that part, I partially owe to you because I saw how you made such a huge difference and that's what I wanted to do, too. But thank you for that lovely introduction, it's a pleasure to be here. Slightly weird setting because I'm not used to having, you know, us recorded, but this is yet another conversation we're having and it's a pleasure to be here, so thank you.

    Farya: Well, you know, it's so interesting because as I'm watching you sit in that seat, I'm thinking normally we would be sitting together and next to the fire and we would be having this conversation. Yeah, you're right, it does feel a little bit out of our usual setting, but I know that we will find our feet straight away because as soon as we get together, we always do, don't we? We always do, we always do. That is true, that is true. So, I know that I mentioned your work and I want us to actually have a much more intimate conversation about how we ended up here, because everything about this podcast is around trauma, it is around the gift of trauma, and how we can actually turn it around by processing it and make whatever that we have gone through meaningful, and make it mean something to the world, make it mean something to how we can contribute and serve. But before we get into that, you know, whoever that doesn't know you and hasn't seen your work, say a little bit about what your work is and what it is that you do. I know that obviously you're a therapist, and I know that you have been trained and you work in so many different modalities, but I'm more interested in how you show up in the room with somebody and what it is that you're hoping to get them to achieve from working with you.

    Fareda: Yeah, so I see therapy as—I always say it's such a weird analogy, but I see us as peeling an onion. You peel back each layer of who you are and the traumas that you've been through in order to get to the person that you were meant to become, actually, before all the traumas happened to you. And reaching your authentic self, I think that's really, really important. Having said that, I do think that going through trauma, of course it's not ideal, but it does help to shape the person that you become. So I think trauma work is really important. As you said, integrative, relational psychotherapist. When I work from a trauma lens because I think that's really, really important.

    I like to work with every part of the person that comes into the room. I always say to my clients, we can't just sit with the part that you want to sit with, the part that you attach yourself to, be that, you know, the successful person that you are, the hyper-independent person that you are, which is brilliant because I myself associate myself to that, but then I think, which parts of you did you leave behind in order to get to this independent part, right? So then I think, how about the other parts, the vulnerable part, the sad parts, the inner child? I mean, that's a huge part of how I work with clients. I always say to clients, where is your inner child? I have a lot of clients that are very successful, very independent. On paper, they've got everything in life. Oh, what's missing is that connection to themselves, to their inner world, to their inner child, to all the experiences that's happened to them. So I think that's really, really important to sit with. I say to my clients—by the way, stop me if you need to, because I can go on and on when I get into...

    Farya: No, because I'm going to say something and I know that you don't always like this, but it is also true. You come from a very structured setting, which I think, and I know you would agree, it was a trauma response, right, you know, going through everything on paper. You had a corporate job and you were very successful in that, you had everything on paper. But it's exactly when you decided to move away from your programming using your trauma responses and becoming an entrepreneur, which is the part that you can't always associate with, but it's true because I always say this to people, I say, I became an entrepreneur before I even knew what that word meant, right? And it's the same with you because you moved away from corporate, you thought, okay, and I'm saying this because I was moving along with your journey as well. And you said to me, I remember you said, Farya, I really want to get to a place where I have the freedom to do the work that I absolutely love to do and not worry so much about the financial aspects, but for the work to actually be fulfilling, but I want to have my lifestyle, which I think this is the part that a lot of women don't really get to or it's almost like we don't have permission to talk about, that we do want abundance in our lives, because part of growth is financial growth, right? And, so I remember that process. So you actually moved away, you are like the typical story of moving away from corporate world with a very good job and salary to move into entrepreneurship, where you are creating the kind of work that you want to do, and the kind of work you're doing is therapeutic, it's healing and all of that, but essentially, it comes from the choices you made and how you show up every day. And I know that it took a lot of hard work. But that's where your trauma actually helped you, we always joke about like, god, this is like child's play compared to what we have gone through, because obviously, you know, you mentioned that there were we came from a very unstable situation that was going on in our country of birth, and then we moved, and then we had to reinvent, reinvent, reinvent so many times, right? And not just that, but I think there's something to be said about being born into a generation that didn't quite understand emotional needs, right? And it was more about meeting our needs practically, not necessarily on an emotional level, so we had to figure things out ourselves, and we had to go through things. I know that, I mean, I leave it to you to say, you watching me growing up, right, and I watched you, what do you think my one of the biggest trauma responses that I had that actually helped me, in a way, and what was yours?

    Fareda: Oh, that's a big, big question and we'll need a long, long time for that. But if I could wrap it up nicely, I think our trauma responses are quite similar in some ways, and it's interesting because I hadn't thought about this in this way, because I think me and you are very different, but also very similar in so many ways, so I'm leaning into our similarities. That actually, I think one of our trauma responses was to be really, really self-sufficient because when we were growing up, we didn't really have a figure to lean on emotionally, and that was something that was missing. And so we learned from a very young age to be self-sufficient, and our grandmother, you know, may she rest in peace, she instilled in us something that's really valuable, but also I think it worked against us in some scenarios, to be capable, to make something of our lives and the things that she didn't get to have, she wanted us to do.

    Farya: And also we were in a way, that trauma response that we took on, which sometimes helped, but at times we had to process, was never asking for help, right? We did everything ourselves and we just built everything ourselves, and it led us, I think, to some level of success, but in order to really scale and expand, we had to work with those trauma responses, we had to learn how to actually understand our capacity and ask for help. And, I think it's fair to say, I mean, I don't know, we can argue about this, but I think it's more difficult for you to ask for help, right?

    Fareda: I'm sorry, I can't, I can't sit here with a straight face. When you talk about, oh, I think it's a close call, but I think you win that race, for sure.

    Farya: I mean, it's not a race I want to win, let me assure you.

    Fareda: It's not one I want to win either, but yeah, it's really interesting because just before we started talking, I was reading one of my journals that I wrote some years ago. It was actually around the time our grandmother passed away, may she rest in peace, and I started thinking about my life journey. And as I was saying, we were I was born into war, you know, I was born in Iran, war between Iran and Iraq, so actually I came into this world and saw the world as a place that's really dangerous, that you have to survive, it was all about survival, I mean, make no mistake, you know this, I know this.

    Farya: Yes.

    Fareda: You know, so we didn't have a rosy start, we had a very difficult start. We come from a line of women that are very strong, and really admirable in many ways, but a lot of them didn't have the opportunities that we were given, so I think part of the reason I became a therapist was because I come from the place of pain and trauma. And I remember some years ago I broke my foot and that forced me to stay at home for a year. And for the first six months, I was in bed and I couldn't do very much, I was looking at the ceiling, laying down, thinking, "What am I going to do? What will I do with my life? Do I want to be here in 10 years' time?" and I had a successful career, but it wasn't fulfilling for me. And at that point, I thought, I had so much time to think, and I thought, "I'm going to bring my history, bring my trauma, bring my pain, and work with it, and once I've done the work, I'm going to help other people to actually see their potential." And I think this is really important, Farya, because you talked about my life and the successes of my life, and I see a lot of clients that are high-functioning adults, really successful careers, beautiful household, beautiful partner, beautiful children, and yet there's something within that's really unfulfilled. And I say, this is it, right? This is where you need to do the work, this is where your ability to dissociate through trauma, your ability to put aside your vulnerability, it's helped you build this life, right? But right now, it's not helping you anymore because even though you have so many things going in your life, your internal world is not happy, so let's do the work together so that actually you can enjoy the fruit of your labor, and I've been through that process, and I had to do the work because I reached a point in my life where I was like, "Wow, on paper everything looks so great, but something inside is still not working."

    Farya: Yeah, I was just going to say, actually, because this is so important and that's the heart of this podcast, right? To let people know, because a lot of people who have gone through trauma, your own clients, my clients, the people that we work with, they are actually very extraordinary people and they have done and they are doing extraordinary things. I always say that whatever the life that you've created is not despite of your trauma, it is actually because of your trauma, because your trauma lives where your gift lives, right? So if you're not tapping into that understanding that trauma, you can't tap into your gift, your magic, right? And I know for a fact that that's your that's been your own journey, so this is way before you even became a therapist and, you know, this is actually way before I became a therapist or I entered this world, I know that you had a lot of resilient in life, and you have overcome a lot, and this is more on a personal level that I'm revealing, so you can tell me to be quiet, whatever. But, you know, you've made an extraordinary life that I truly admire, you have a beautiful, beautiful life with your beautiful daughter who is my my love, and you have a beautiful family, you've made a huge success of your life, you have a lot of abundance and you have a lot of freedom to actually explore what you want to do, like you are in that should I say privileged seat where you can choose your work, you can choose even like the hours you want to work, the kind of work you want to do, but none of this was actually handed to you. This is the important part, that you are who I want people to understand and see themselves, right, in terms of how you had to endure a lot, and I can say that very clearly because I was there, right? and you have reinvented yourself many, many times, you actually came to this work, this inner work, officially with credentials, although I always said to you that you were always a therapist, but then this came like, you know, in terms of getting your credentials and everything that came as a second career, because you reinvented yourself many times. So, I want to know, what were you resisting the most when expansion, as you said or I said, I can't even remember, came knocking? What was the biggest resistance for you?

    Fareda: The first thing that came to my mind right away was the fact that I found it difficult at the beginning to understand why I needed to do this. Um, I remember that I felt something, but I also know that I was carrying a lot of residue of not feeling good enough, and feeling like, am I doing this for a sense of validation? So for me, finding the right reason of why I'm doing this, and I remember we had a couple of sessions where you had to explain to me how yes, external validation, money, all that stuff is great, but it doesn't get you very far. And having to find that real purpose is what will fuel you and motivate you to keep on going, especially at times when it's quite difficult. So for me, there was this element of how do I honor my own process and the real reason as to why I'm doing this into an industry that doesn't honor that stuff? It's very much, you know, a go-go-go industry, very fast and all. And a story that I say very often is, so when I launched Journey, so when I say launch, I mean like the branding and we were starting to work on the actual website, I bought like two-three startup books and I started reading them, and every page, not even chapter, every page was like induce anxiety. And then I would finish a chapter and have these like very big panic attacks where I'm like, I don't know any of that stuff, I don't even know what they're talking about. Don't forget that I come from a background where I studied for like eight-nine years only psychology, not one business class, no one advertising class, nothing around entrepreneurship either. So, I come from a family, and actually generations of entrepreneurs, but they were entrepreneurs that were very street entrepreneurs kind of thing, you know, in construction, and so it wasn't like a proper company startup like you see, you have like 20 to to more employees, it was just my dad working for himself and then seeing him get contracts here and there. But I didn't have that, and I remember reading these startup books and having a terrible time and feeling that this was a blockage, like what am I doing in this race when I don't even know what the words they're saying? I don't know anything. And then, we had a session about that and you told me, "Well, who is the product? What is Journey?" I said, "Well, Journey is me, like I wanted to resemble me, like I wanted to resemble the way that I work and I see the world, and how I want to approach the whole industry of healing." And then you said, "So why are you reading all these books? The only thing that you should be working on is yourself, because you are the one that is going to bring Journey wherever." The moment that you said that, I remember, I open up a drawer, I put all these startup books in it, and then I bought all the spiritual books that I needed to hear, and many of your recommendation, The Surrender Experiment, The Untethered Soul, Seat of the Soul, Eckhart Tolle's books, and this mixed up with at least one or two podcasts a day around spirituality as well, plus my meditation, plus you, was literally the combination that I needed in order to start feeling, first of all, a bit invincible, although invincible in the way that like I can do this, so that self-belief that I was talking about, but more importantly, to give me a real sense of purpose and direction, which was I think lacking at the beginning because I wasn't too sure was it my ego that really wanted to do this and prove something to someone, or and then basically where it shifted is that it then felt like it was my soul's purpose, and then things started making a lot more sense. Since I was a kid and I think I told you this story, like when I was a video of me being like six-seven, where someone asks me, "What would you want to be when you grow up?" and I just said, "I want to be a CEO." Didn't even know what a CEO meant, but I knew that I wanted to be a leader and in charge and I had it in me, and that moment felt just like a full circle.

    Farya: Oh, I love that, I absolutely love that. And, yes, all of the work that you have done, everything that you had to overcome, it was always leading you towards this, right? And this is what happens, as you know, with many people, we get caught up in okay, how are we going to do this, right? How are we going to build this? How am I going to take the next step, how, how, how? And then, well, first of all, that's asking the wrong question! And secondly, that moves you away from who, you know? Who is going to take the next step? And a lot of the work that we do, and one of the most important aspects of this podcast is around that, is around how trauma takes away—it gives you a lot of stuff, but it also takes away your ability to connect with you. So, you know, the same you that knew that you were always going to be a CEO, right? So, even when you were small, you knew that, but then going through, I mean, you know, trauma, different kinds of programming, then we move away from that, and actually, the work, really, is to connect these two back together again.

    And I know that the word trauma is a big one, and there is a real resistance, but of course, we're not talking about something drastic, we're talking about every time that you had to betray yourself and move away from who you authentically are in order to belong, in order to feel loved, and this happens time after time that becomes your go-to what some people like to call personality, but of course, it's just a trauma response. So, I want to hear whether this has also been your ongoing experience, because this kind of work, the more you expand, the more you want to step into the next level, whatever that expansion looks like for you, another layer might come up. So, does this land with you, the blocks that programming brings up and it moves you away from well, essentially, your purpose, which then leads to success, abundance, and everything else that comes as a result of being aligned with your purpose?

    Fareda: Well, I remember, and I still have that, a lot of grief was coming through this kind of work. And the expansion that I have experienced, although it's not even an expansion of the business itself, it's an expansion of me into these roles, I kept on being reminded by you, mainly, that no one has ever done what I'm doing right now. So, I'm the first one that is walking this path and I have no example in front of me. I don't know how this is going to unfold for me. I don't have a lot of people that look like me, that have reached the places that I wanted, and one thing that was very difficult for me was even visualizing that success felt so difficult, and so the meditation that I do is very much around visualization and manifestation, and there was a moment where I couldn't see it. And it's like I wanted to see it, but I remember thinking like there was such a big voice inside that was saying, "No, no, no, things like that don't happen to people like you. Stop it." And almost like feeling scared of even just imagining it. So imagine actually doing the work to get there, how scared I am. But when I realized that even the picture of it is impossible for me to create, I started panicking a lot because I was like, "Oh my god, am I on the wrong path? Am I doing the right thing? Is this not what I'm supposed to be doing? Am I completely delusional here and I'm not supposed to become this person that I thought I was going to become?" And when we had a session around this, you said something important and that really stayed with me, you said that really big picture that you have, it is there, but it's very, very, very far, and the distance between where you are right now and where you want to be feels too big for you to even imagine that. So, take that picture, put it far away, know that like it is there and it does exist, but create smaller ones that feel a bit more achievable and reachable. And when I paired that knowledge and that insight with also very important conversations with my husband around the speed at which I wanted this to go, and this is where I also think perhaps this is the personality rather than the trauma, or you can correct me on this, but just the impatience, you know, of like it's supposed to look like that and it's going to feel like this, and having permission to really slow it down and to realize again, no one like me has done this before. So, I have to design it in a way that makes sense for me. And I felt like I needed to get permission to do that because it's just there there was always this external pressure that if it doesn't look like this, if you don't do it at that speed, if you don't go through these specific experiences, then it's a no-go. I don't know if this answers the question.

    Farya: It does, and where did that permission come from?

    Fareda: The lack of it or the actual permission?

    Farya: Well, the actual permission. The lack of it probably because when you were mentioning even the impatient and you were saying that I don't know if it's to do with the trauma, but I would argue, especially knowing you and your background and everything else, it may not be yours, but that it definitely is an ancestral and collective trauma around achieving things quickly before you lose either momentum or before something is taken away from you, right? Because a lot was taken away, collectively, from you and your family and that plays a part in it as well. But where did that permission finally come from, do you think? How did you get have access to that permission?

    Fareda: Well, I don't know if it's the right answer, but first of all, starting with my husband giving me permission to slow down. And he said this during the summer, he said, "You're working as if there's a gun over your head. You're working as if you owe people money, you're working as if like it's either it happens in this two-three year timeline or that's it, it's gone." And I remember this resonated with me because there was a point where it was completely disproportionate, what I was giving was not being reciprocated by by Journey. And then, this is when you start becoming very resentful about it. So when he gave me permission to slow down and to realize that even if it takes time, it's okay, let it take time, no one is taking that company away from you as long as, you know, your members are happy and you're doing things, there's a bit of a momentum, you're going to be okay. And I think that reassurance calmed me down a lot, that I there's not a race here. I make my own rules. I don't want to be part of the race of these big American startups, which I thought I did at the beginning. But then around two years into it, I was like, it doesn't resemble me either. There's a part of me that is attracted to that, definitely, but I think also when you're a therapist and you're a woman and you're in your mid-30s, I'm smart enough to know that life is not just about the hustle and the working and all of that. So I think yeah, it it started with him, who's I think he's a yeah, a very wise man.

    Farya: He is! But if I may, I would correct that from he gave you the permission to him reminding you that you don't need the permission, that you already have the permission within yourself. So he actually mirrored something back to you and it really landed. And this is it, right? Because when we are right in the middle of something, it is very difficult. In your case, I know that you're a very, very capable and just amazing therapist, you are an amazing psychologist. But even with what you have gone through, the things that you know, sometimes when it's your own process, you have blind spots or the old programming gets in the way and it becomes convincing, and you go, "Okay, well maybe I don't have the permission." And it just takes that solid ground to remind you that actually you don't really need permission. You are the one that gives the permission to yourself.

    Fareda: And that reminds me of what you were talking about earlier about this masculine energy. When I was finishing my doctorate, I came across a study that was explaining why men tend to reach more places than women do. And there was very much this element of men saying yes and having the confidence that they will then figure it out, whereas women feel the need to figure it out and then say yes. And I remember that I've always felt like I had this masculine energy, and I think one of the problems that I was encountering was that this masculine energy was not bringing me the stuff that I also wanted. And for me, I never really labeled it in that kind of way, but one of the obstacles that I've been having through Journey is the marrying of these two energies, the masculine that is very much of a yes woman that just wants to do it and go for it and and a hustle and blah blah, and then bringing back that feminine energy that needs roots, needs something that is that feels a lot more grounded. So, I understand very well what you said about that permission. Because it did feel like it was something that was inside and he held a mirror and he facilitated that.

    Farya: And reflecting back on let's say our own work together, what did our work reveal to you about your own pattern that maybe theory or trainings or the books and everything wouldn't have touched, right? So what do you think some of the things that might have surprised you as a result of our work and as a result of diving into your identity well, I guess upgrade to where you want to go, and obviously, the journey continues, but for that period, I'm just curious to know, because I don't actually think I've ever asked you this!

    Fareda: I will answer this in the the other way around, that I don't know how any entrepreneur can do what they do without having this space. And I think that if they do it's because I think they're almost like dissociating through the experience, like they're very much just on autopilot, but for someone like me who also sees clients, so I'm a very reflective person on a daily basis, for me Journey, and we've talked about this so many times, Journey is not about just a company. This is actually my own journey into life and this is something that is accompanying me. So, the development and the things that have come up and the expansions and the grief and the the self-doubt, and I don't know and I say it with a lot of certainty, that I wouldn't be here with Journey if it wasn't for my constant work with you. Because I needed to be held so many times throughout, I continue to to need to be held. And like I said, I also have a life in parallel to my company. And that life when you're an entrepreneur, when you're a founder specifically, it is going to come into your company and vice versa. So for me, the things that have been unfolding as I navigate these new identities have been massive, from friendships, from my own personal hobbies, from my relationship with my husband, my siblings, a lot of things have been coming up and this is not about just creating a company and selling it at some point and be done with it. I'm not a serial entrepreneur, I'm not someone that is doing this one time, two times, three times, this is not my journey. I'm someone that was actually very happy being just a therapist, teaching at university, doing my own little thing, but this felt like a calling that I needed to answer, right? So, doing this is not a random thing just because I have the entrepreneurial gene in me. It is a calling, and because of that, because of all the business stuff that just comes in, the KPIs, what you're supposed to do, you go and you compare, you have always been that voice of reason that just hooks, realigned me. Every single time. Every single time. And whenever I do feel like I am a bit, I'll describe it like, I'm losing it, I'm losing the focus, the direction, the motivation, the drive, I know very well that just having one session with you will bring it back. And sometimes I even start the sessions where I'm like, I just need your wisdom, I just need you to bring back this perspective. And I would never recommend someone to start a company without being in therapy. I genuinely wouldn't and not the therapy that is about your performance, coaching is one thing and great, but the type of therapy that you and I do where it's very profound is the thing that just keeps me going, really.

    Farya: Thank you. And yes, it is the thing that changes everything internally, and then your external world would reflect that, and it's not the other way around. And I like that you mentioned about the type of therapy. And as you know, that's always been my kind of mission to make sure that whoever I work with, right, if they are therapists or coaches, that these two need to become closer to one another, right? And I think this is why sometimes therapy gets a bad reputation, especially with high achievers, because I've heard it so many times, "I don't want to sit and talk about my childhood forever," you know, and I think that's a very valid, very, very valid argument, because come to think of it, I don't either, you know? I want to explore things, but for the purpose of expansion, right? I'm curious to know what your thoughts are around I guess traditional therapy or traditional coaching, and how do you think they're missing the point, because that's certainly been my experience of people not really wanting to engage because of all the stuff around it, right? What is your experience?

    Fareda: The reason that Journey has therapists and coaches, it's because I genuinely do believe that both of them marry together so well. And things that therapists can do, coaches can't, and vice and vice versa. And I know this for a fact, you not every practitioner will know what to do with clients because of the lack of work that they've also done on themselves, right? I love what you said when you presented me, you said, "I'm a therapist and I'm your client," but most importantly, "I've been your mentee," and "you have been my mentor." And the type of therapist that I am today is a result of the type of therapy that I've received from you. Now, I call it just now therapy, but you can call it whatever you want. And we have gone into the childhood when it was needed. I don't have to linger there for months and months and months aimlessly, there was always a reason. But if I may say, I was also a very good client because when you gave me books to read, I went and I read them. When you told me, "You need to start meditating," I went and I did them. When you told me you need to start getting massages every week, I very happily started doing that. You never went into the homework and, you know, "I want to see this from you next week," because I don't resonate with that approach, I don't work like that with my clients, and I am not a coach in that sense and our session wouldn't have been the same thing if there was that type of accountability for me. But you looked at me as a whole, a physical, a mental, and a spiritual. And I always say this, for me, the spiritual aspect, this is when my real spiritual awakening started happening. And by spiritual, I don't mean astrology and all the woo-woo stuff. It was just going back into my soul. So, it was not necessarily therapy or coaching in the traditional way that other people would understand it. It was the way that you approach that with me. But I also want to say, for whoever is listening, that your approach works as well when people want to do the work. And I remember the first session that we had, because obviously I was also doing first sessions with clients and I had a very specific form that I would go through and all of that, as they taught us during the doctorate and in the NHS. And in your first session, it you asked me, "Why me? and why are you here?" And then at the end, you didn't book an appointment with me. You said, "If you're gonna work with me, we're gonna do real work. So either you're serious about this, or if not, I do have a waiting list of people waiting for me." Anyway, your approach really resonates with me, so when you said that, you said, "So sit on it, think about it, and if you're ready to do the work, send me an email and book our next appointment." When you did that with me, Farya, I it was COVID, so I ran into my husband's office and I started crying and I'm like, "Oh my god, like this is real. If I decide to do it, she's going to open all sorts of doors and I don't know what is going to happen." And then he said, "Okay, well, do you want to not do it with her?" and I said, "No, there's something about the way that she works that just called me." And this is why I said your approach was fantastic, but I also was a client that, and I am still a client that, wants to do the work, that wants to change. And that's when I think the real magic happens, when you have that combination.

    Farya: Thank you. And yes, it is the thing that changes everything internally, and then your external world would reflect that, and it's not the other way around. And I like that you mentioned about the type of therapy. And as you know, that's always been my kind of mission to make sure that whoever I work with, right, if they are therapists or coaches, that these two need to become closer to one another, right? And I think this is why sometimes therapy gets a bad reputation, especially with high achievers, because I've heard it so many times, "I don't want to sit and talk about my childhood forever," you know, and I think that's a very valid, very, very valid argument, because come to think of it, I don't either, you know? I want to explore things, but for the purpose of expansion, right?

    On that note, we are going to close today's conversation. It was an absolute pleasure having you, and I look forward to many more conversations that we're going to have.

    Narrator: Thank you for listening to From Trauma to CEO: The Psychology of Transformational Success with Farya Barlas. Check out the show notes for more information on how to continue this work or explore more of Farya's teachings. If this episode resonated, please follow, review, and share it with someone who needs this message. And we'll see you in the next episode.

    Overarching Psychological Framework

    Barlas’ work challenges typical corporate hustle cultures by contrasting Trauma-Led Success with Reparative Success. This multi-episode dynamic can be structurally mapped across the entire series:

    • The Regulatory Shield of Urgency: Highly capable leaders use chronic velocity, constant self-reliance, and internal pressure as structural tools to control underlying anxiety. The nervous system equates hyper-alertness, pacing, and over-delivering with safety because those tools kept early environments stable.

    • The Vulnerability of Open Space: When an engine built on structural pressure or intergenerational trauma suddenly faces open space (e.g., a quiet schedule, holidays, or a successful launch), it reacts with panic, agitation, or a somatic freeze response. The system misinterprets non-production as a direct threat to its identity.

    • The Shift to Internal Safety: Moving into a reparative model does not signal a loss of drive or professional edge. Instead, it updates the internal nervous system architecture so that success functions as a pure product of desire rather than a strict necessity for basic survival.

    High-Performer Strategic Toolkit

    High-Achiever Diagnostic Assessment

    To verify whether an operational pivot, drop in drive, or urge to pause is a sound strategic choice or a trauma-led upper-limit response, execute the following internal diagnostics:

    1. The Open Space Somatic Test: Picture taking an extended, complete period of time off—not a weekend or a single day, but a prolonged operational freeze. Pay attention to the very first baseline reaction your body exhibits:

      • Somatic Release & Softening: Indicates typical, healthy physical fatigue.

      • Agitation, Chronic Restlessness, or Urgent Problem-Seeking: Signals that your career is acting as a subconscious containment system.

    2. The "Making It Count" Pressure Check: Focus your attention internally and ask your body: "What inside of me tightens when I think about making this year count?" Observe the tight or tense regions of your chest, jaw, or stomach. Then ask: "What shifts or softens when I imagine moving forward without that pressure?" This physical shift reveals exactly where your system is trapped in survival architecture.vv

Episode Summary

In this deeply personal episode, host Farya Barlas sits down with her sister, Fareda Barlas, an accredited integrative psychotherapist and founder of Hadley Wood Practice. The two share an intimate conversation reflecting on their shared childhood history of navigating war, generational expectations, and the resulting trauma responses that initially fueled their high-functioning corporate success. Together, they break down the psychological necessity of moving past intellectualizing trauma to deeply processing it, demonstrating how reclaiming vulnerability can transform an individual from a disconnected overachiever into a fully aligned leader.

What You’ll Learn

  • Discover how standard trauma coping mechanisms like extreme self-sufficiency, hyper-independence, and emotional dissociation can lead to immense professional success while leaving your inner life profoundly unfulfilled.

  • Learn why merely connecting the dots and understanding your psychological past is not enough to heal, requiring you to actively sit with and process suppressed emotions to achieve true wholeness.

  • Gain insight into the power of intuitive, relationship-led therapy and coaching that actively challenges clients rather than allowing them to hide behind professional accomplishments or protective behavioral programming.

  • Explore the unique concept that your true personal gifts and magic are hidden directly beneath your deep historical pain, waiting to be unlocked through authentic inner child work.

Resources

Farya Barlas
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